Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

BaD BoY!!

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.