Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

*pokes sex life with a stick

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.