I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

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You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*


There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus


[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]


GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice


im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s


To those out there who have accused me of selling out, of abandoning my beliefs and values to climb the social ladder: uh… yeah. yes.


I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.


ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?


There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.


[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts