@JimmerThatisAll

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

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@PaulyPeligroso

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

@HelloCullen

There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus

@BlindChow

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

@rad_milk

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

@animaldrumss

To those out there who have accused me of selling out, of abandoning my beliefs and values to climb the social ladder: uh… yeah. yes.

@69underachiever

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

@chuuew

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

@david8hughes

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

@Ygrene

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts