@JimmerThatisAll

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

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@heysarahsweeney

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

@dog_feelings

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

@lisaxy424

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

@behindyourback

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

@KSekouM

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

@DoucheMcBaggus

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

@drankturpentine

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

@LuvPug

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

@ventivodkacran

…and the award for best lead actress in a dramatic role goes to me for “I Have A Sinus Infection, Why Don’t You Care That I’m Dying”

@Rica_Bee

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”