Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.