Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

favorite tropes as memes

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.