i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
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Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.