Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

I hope google does well on my son’s test