Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

hi why am I like this

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”