Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCARY COSTUME

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.

#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier