Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”