Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident