I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
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I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
ACED my prostate exam!
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Safety first
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton