Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

!!!!!!!!!!!

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.