I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
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If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
The First Farmer
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Bread puns are on the rise!