Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.