I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
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When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.