I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
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Employees must applaud the planets.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.