Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

Who did it better?

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂