I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
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if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I can’t be the only one 😂
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Frog purse.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
