Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.