Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

fourth time’s the charm

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies