Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.