@BigRedKraut

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

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@_davidlucas_

Calm down, Windows Update. I’ll restart my computer during work time.

@Jacksawyerr

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

@AbbyHasIssues

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

@shutupmikeginn

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

@Lowenaffchen

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

@AllanForsyth

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

@_elvishpresley_

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂