I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
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Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.