I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

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Calm down, Windows Update. I’ll restart my computer during work time.


If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.


Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.


The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.


i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends


Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet


Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.


boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂