I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

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I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.


I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.


Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.


The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.


Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag


Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*


the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.


Me: Did you just put your fingers in my drink?

5yo: I don’t have poison on my fingers!

Me: But why did you….wait, what?


You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.