Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

Me as a therapist: omg same

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

…żyje?

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.