Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

Hard not to take this personally

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen