I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
somewhere, in an alternate universe
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
Always this one for me forever
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
