Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

went fishing caught a bass

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled