I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
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WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
This is my pinned tweet
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
No. He’s not coming out to play
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
This is the one
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.