I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
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SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just canβt even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: weβre texting
Him: I heard it
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
old twitter is back baby
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others werenβt nearly as fortunate.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
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Iβm not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?