I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
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If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
the clam before the storm
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.