I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
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“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??