I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
You Might Also Like
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.