i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
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Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.