Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

I am all good here, 😂😉

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆