I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
