I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
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Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
Ha
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
#DesignFail
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first