I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
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[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
This could be us… but you playing
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend