I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
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BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
out-housing market appears to be strong
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Ok cat haters, explain this…
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.