I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
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sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents