Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.