I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
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While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I WON A HAM TODAY
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
the world’s most popular steaming services
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂