Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.