I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
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I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
live long and prosper!
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’