Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

grandpa was shocked

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Jesus: *rises after three days*

God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.