Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

Stick it to the man

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

they should create new variants of dopamine

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.