Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no “u” in narcissist

was Jim off killing horses or…

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.