Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

2022 be like

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.