Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

Tuesday

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.