I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
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wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
saw this in a dream
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter