Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

(Gaming support cat.)

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.