If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
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*Ohio State coach*
Boys, I know how we’re gonna beat the Oregon Ducks
With our secret weapon
*pulls out a loaf of bread*
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.
she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini
You gotta love the Internet, sometimes.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.