@KevinBuffalo

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

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@punmagnate

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

@my_minivan_life

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

@trouteyes

BREAKING: A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

@PJTLynch

I wrote a less creepy, and more helpful, variation of “Baby It’s Cold Outside”

@ArfMeasures

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

@writerPT

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

@qikipedia

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

@Cyd10e

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.