I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

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I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.


My son ate all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms and well guess who isn’t paying for his college now.


There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.


My wife’s idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.


“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors


I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.


Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )


She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.