@KevinBuffalo

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

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@mattgallo123

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

@thatguyJA

My son ate all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms and well guess who isn’t paying for his college now.

@kamtweeting

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

@qwertying

My wife’s idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.

@GrowlyGrego

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

@AsgardianRose

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

@NewDadNotes

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

@FroggyGonnaJump

She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.