I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

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Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper


“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”


BREAKING: A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.


I wrote a less creepy, and more helpful, variation of “Baby It’s Cold Outside”


*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out


I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.


ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*


I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.


If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.