You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
When the imaginary zebras start sawing off your legs, it’s time to lay off the hard stuff.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Me: do you wanna play peaches?
Wife: *sigh* no
Me: *leaping from a tree top* I’m ripe!
Wife: 911? Yep, peaches again
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
“I did not expect to encounter so many snakes when I booked this flight!” #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue