I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
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St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit