I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
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Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
HELP 😭
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*