Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

Priest: You may now kiss the bride.

Me: Do I have to?

And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

I put the dance in “Good riddance!”

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.