Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

#SCOTUS one-star review

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks