I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
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The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.