I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
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My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Lmao
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets