I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
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My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
☠️☠️☠️
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.