I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
You Might Also Like
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
waiting for halloween be like:
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.