“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
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“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!