Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.