“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
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People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
