Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

the simulation is moving too fast

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

watching gymnastics

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.