Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

This is Sparta

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.