Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*