I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
You Might Also Like
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.