Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.