Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks