Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

Did a trash talking tree write this?

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

Me: [smiling]

Phone: face not recognized

Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]

Phone: oh there you are

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.