“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Autocorrect completely socks
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down