I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
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Ape together strong
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Woke up against my better judgement again
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.