I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
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If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet