Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

Meow

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.