I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
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**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.