Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

Goat cheese is for herders.

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?