Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.